The Renji's Diary Incident
by ShihodoTennyo
Summary: Matsumoto has discovered the joy of yaoi fanfiction. Unfortunately, she happens to drop it while trying to escape an angry Hitsugaya. The fanfiction is then picked up by no other than Renji himself. What? Why is his name in that paper? And not only his name but also his taichou's! No no no no way! This is not happening! RenBya.
1. The Lost Fanfiction

Bleach © Kubo Tite

Standard Disclaimer Applies

**The Renji's Diary Incident**

**Chapter 1 - The Lost Fanfiction**

Matsumoto Rangiku had found herself a new obsession she knew she could never stop herself to indulge. Every time she started her newly obtained sacred ritual, she would find a lovely place she could be able to sit for hours, away from her moody captain, and read those heaps of paper she had beforehand printed out from the device humans called 'printer' to her heart's content. Being known as a very social person, any wondering soul would find it absolutely weird to find Matsumoto Rangiku suddenly wanting to spend her time alone reading. However, Matsumoto had decided what was written in the paper was well worth spending her time off her favorite evening drinking session. Iba and Hisagi could start speculating things all they wanted and she wouldn't really care.

Those men were too crude to understand the delicacy and wonder that was fanfiction. Nothing would be as sizzling hot as stories about two smexy guys getting it on together. These stories were so good sometimes they would make her entire being shake with either curiosity and excitement — so much that there were times her ample assets were about to fall off. Yes, there was nothing that could top the feeling that made her easily go dokidoki as if she was an innocent little teenager who had never been kissed. She sighed dreamily as she flipped the clipped-together paper to the next page.

"Ah, Renji, I've always known that you have dirty thoughts running in that pineapple head of yours about Kuchiki-taichou. See, my girl instinct is definitely right." She giggled as she read on and on.

"_R-Renji, what are you doing!?" Kuchiki-taichou's face became the loveliest shade I've ever seen. Hell, he looked so damn fuckable I couldn't stop myself. I had always wanted to do this. To pin him on top of his working desk and have my way with him. To make him lose all his control and make him scream my name over and over. Damn, I wanted to eat him whole. "Taichou, you are so damn beautiful."_

Definitely, nothing could top a fanfiction that had those people she knew as main characters. Matsumoto leaned closer to the paper as the fanfiction finally reached the most important part. She put a hand under her breasts, trying to prevent those boobies from falling out.

"_Renji, stop this at once! Do you not remember that this is still the Sixth Division!" _

_I found myself immediately smirk at what he said. "So if it's not our division, it will be okay right, Taichou?" I paused. "No, let me rephrase it: if it's not our division, it will be okay right, Byakuya?" Yeah, I finally said it. Just the sound of his name coming from my own mouth was enough to send shivers of anticipation down my spine. Shit, at this rate, I wouldn't be able to hold out—_

"Hey, Rangiku-san!" Abarai Renji, the real Abarai Renji, called and Matsumoto almost yelped at hearing the Sixth Division's fukutaichou's voice. Of all the people who happened to trespass here — for she had already made the place her reading sanctuary — it just had to be him. _Still, it's better than it being Kuchiki-taichou._ The woman reminded herself. Primly — yes, primly, she could do that too — Matsumoto stood up, hiding the steamy fanfiction behind the parting of her shihakushou. She had no worries if others were to see where she hid her fanfiction. She knew from the way she kept it, they would forget about it as soon as their eyes landed on her heavenly cleavage. _Talk about being attractive… _

"Oh hello, Renji." She replied. "I thought you'd still be working in your division." It was a well-known fact Kuchiki Byakuya let no one slack off until the end of the so-called 'office hours'. If the shinigami had known how human workers got extra payment for their overtime, they would have wanted to start a mob for the raise in their salaries. Unfortunately, wanting would be all that they could ever do. For no shinigami would dare start a mob as long as the old Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni lived. That old man was sure a stingy bastard.

"Actually, I'm still working. Kuchiki-taichou asked me to deliver some paper to Hitsugaya-taichou. I am now going back to my division." He said, shrugging a little. "You know he has been searching for you. Hitsugaya-taichou."

Matsumoto was about to open her mouth to say something about that when a familiar "Matsumoto!" sounded from behind her.

"Ah, there he is." Renji offered helpfully. Matsumoto paled.

"Oh, Taichou…I thought you were busy…" She started in a very, very friendly tone, trying her best to get on his good side. To no avail, veins were already popping on the Tenth Division's captain's forehead. Toushiro gritted his teeth as he glared at his sheepishly smiling fukutaichou. "If you know that you should be smart enough to remember that I need a hand in handling all the paper! Matsumoto!" As soon as the small taichou yelled, the woman's instinct knew she had to leap and run away before his anger was to be deliver in full blow to her.

"I've just remembered I have a meeting for Shinigami Woman Association today, Taichou~!" She said as she started to run as fast as her two sexy legs could allow, her taichou tailing close behind her. The two Tenth Division taichou and fukutaichou were in battle of chase too heated up to even remember that they both could do better with shunpo-ing instead of just running around Seireitei and catching a lot of people's attention.

Renji blinked at how fast those two had disappeared before he could even say 'Seaweed Ambassador'. And why would Renji be talking about Seaweed Ambassador? Well, he had had this nightmare about that horrible green little—

No, that wasn't the point. The redhead brushed it off with a shrug of his shoulder and was about to continue going his way when he noticed something lying forgotten on the ground. He blinked again before picking it up. Matsumoto must have dropped it. He sighed, knowing his taichou wouldn't appreciate him leaving the office too long but he really should return this to Matsumoto. Well, that was what he had thought until he noticed the bold text that was on the very top of the first page of the paper.

It read: _Renji's Diary._

**To be continued…**

This is my first Bleach story. Please be kind. If you like the story, don't forget to drop in a review! ;)

Next chapter: Renji starts reading the fanfiction! What will his reaction be?


	2. Complicated Situation

Bleach © Kubo Tite

Standard Disclaimer Applies

**The Renji's Diary Incident**

**Chapter 2 - Complicated Situation**

Renji finished his division work at six. Byakuya left earlier because soutaichou had something to discuss privately with him. Probably about the loan. Gotei 13 job wasn't known to be the most rewarding in salary and with rumors about some lower-ranked shinigami wanting — and just wanting — to make a strike, maybe — just, optimistically, maybe — the old man finally thought of doing something to maintain good order. It was sad to know that Byakuya's scarf alone valued much more than an average shinigami's lifetime salary. Nonetheless, this was all but a speculation.

The redhead sighed as he finished signing his name on the last paper. He put it on top of the nearby stack and then put a paperweight over it. The paperweight was in the shape of a big grinning monkey. The grin was so stupid he wished it should stop grinning and make an angry face instead. That way, the monkey would look less stupid and much more frightening. It wasn't his choice of paperweight but he used it anyway as it was a gift from Rukia and she insisted he took it as she had been working very hard to convince one Kurosagi Ichigo to buy it because she had absolutely no money in the living world.

_Kuchiki. No money. Touché. _

Having put everything of work aside, on his desk now there was only one heap of clipped-together paper that earlier lay untouched. Yes, the self-proclaimed Renji's Diary Renji didn't even remember writing. Hell, he wasn't the type to keep a diary anyway. He was supposed to return it to Matsumoto whom, ironically, despite the name Renji's Diary, the paper belonged rightfully to but had decided otherwise. He wondered why Matsumoto had it. And why the hell it had to be Renji's Diary instead of Rangiku's Diary?

In the end, curiosity got the better of him and instead of returning the thing to Matsumoto, Renji ended up keeping it with him. At least, until he figured out why it was even named Renji's Diary.

Making sure no one was going to disturb him and that the door was securely close, he began to read.

_Abarai Renji. My name is Abarai Renji. _

He frowned. Now it was confirmed it was supposed to be his diary not some guy who happened to have the same name as him. He reread the name again to make sure it was no hallucination before reading on.

_Abarai Renji. My name is Abarai Renji. I am the fukutaichou of the Sixth Division. And what I am about to tell you is a real story of how my deep, dark secret desire has come true. You may think I'm insane and stupid recording this shit down but hell if Kurotsuji was up to some serious blackmailing, I'm still recording this down. The situation might be complicated but it's worth it. Very, very much worth all the trouble. Who cares if Aizen's gonna break loose as long as I have what I now have as mine and mine alone. _

So now he had some kinds of deep, dark secret?

"Is this supposed to be a joke?" Come to think of it, it might be Matsumoto's joke and instead of accidentally, she purposely dropped this thing for him to pick up so he would confuse the hell out of himself. So what, the almighty fukutaichou of the Sixth Division now had the secret so powerful he wouldn't care about Aizen breaking loose? If this thing had talked about Rukia, he would easily have guessed it was talking about the Hogyoku. Oh wait, maybe this was something from Urahara? The guy might be instructing Rangiku to do something for him.

Apparently, Renji missed the 'desire' part. The fact that he was about to regret.

He left the table to make himself some tea before returning to the mysterious Renji's Diary. If this was some oh-so-evil scheme devised by Urahara, he would have to be careful, really really careful.

But even with all the carefulness Renji had mustered, nothing could stop the redhead from spluttering all his green tea at the next sentence he read.

_You see, the truth is… I'm fucking in love with Kuchiki Byakuya. _

**(X)**

Seike Nobutsune had been an attendant for the Kuchiki for all his long life and he thought he had seen every kind of expression on the faces of many visitors ever had the honor of visiting the Kuchiki residence — even the weirdest ones. He remembered the time when Ginrei-sama had had to ask him to help find his guest who happened to get stuck in a trap somewhere while wandering off himself without a guide. At that time, the guest's face had been so horrorstruck and he hadn't stopped mumbling about a certain bondage chamber. Seike had had to bring him tea and tried to calm him down in the best way he ever could.

And then there had been that time when Soujun-sama's guest got swallowed by the giant koi in the pond… The situation had been quite complicated and the memory was indeed very memorable.

Still, Abarai Renji's face as he ran into the mansion, demanding — more like screaming — to see Rukia-sama was so far the most priceless.

**(X)**

"Rukiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~!" The redhead screamed as he ran past the old attendant toward where he remembered was Rukia's chamber. His face was the mix of horror, anger, embarrassment and something else that was so hard to name given that the result displayed on his face was able to make the old man Seike stopped what he was about to say and instead turned away so he wouldn't torture his old self of untimely death from uncontrollable laughter.

What was in the paper was too much for Renji's poor sanity to bear and it was eating — still eating — his brain alive. And now the man wanted nothing more than Rukia's booming laughter to tell him the thing was absolutely absurd and the funniest joke ever happened in Soul Society's history. His hand was trembling as he held the evil paper while another fumbled with the slide door of the room as he deemed Rukia wasn't fast to open it enough.

"Rukia, listen, I want you to—" Renji's words got stuck in his throat as soon as the door was open. The words of insanity he read from the accursed Renji's Diary immediately flooded his mind.

_I can't stop thinking about him. There was this one time I was lucky to catch a glimpse of him naked in the hot spring. His skin was pale — like moonlight — and flawless, so soft-looking I wanted to run my hand all over and make all my mark there so that it was visible to everyone he's mine. It took all my will power not to jump him then and there. Oh yeah, it was so damn tempting especially when I knew he didn't have Senbonzakura. _

There, before him, was his taichou — his stoic, strong, awfully sexy Kuchiki-taichou — naked as the day he was born as he looked back at him with those beautiful gray eyes.

"Renji…?"

Renji found the sight being too much for him as the evil Renji's Diary was still eating at his sanity. He squeaked "Bloody Murder" painfully before falling to the floor with a loud thud. As escape that was unconsciousness claimed him, his last thought couldn't help being why the hell the sexy part was even there.

_Fuck, I don't want to know anymore. _

**To be continued…**

Yes, people, Renji got to the wrong door! What will happen next!? Please R&R!

Next chapter: Renji wakes up and finds the evil Renji's Diary with Byakuya. No, Taichou, don't read it! The insanity continues!


	3. Renji's Problem

Bleach © Kubo Tite

Standard Disclaimer Applies

**The Renji's Diary Incident**

**Chapter 3 - Renji's Problem**

The first thing Renji could recognize after waking up again was that he wasn't in his own room. Obviously, it couldn't be his own room. The place looked much bigger than that little apartment he rented with whatever little Fukutaichou salary he had. Hell, if it had been his apartment, he could have heard the loudness that was his neighbor's drunken party at this time already. Still, it was quiet. Very, very quiet. Not to mention the futon he was lying on was too comfortable he just wanted to close his eyes and sleep again. And so Renji closed his eyes.

The futon beneath him was so soft, the place so comfy and above all, it smelt so nice too.

_It smells like sakura… _

Normally, Renji would easily start a fight with Ichigo if the brat were to say he was too dense and he would start grumbling at Rukia too if she were to say something involving him and unbelievable stupidity or something along the line in the very same sentence. However, it was only now that Renji just wished his intelligence to be really really extremely retarded just so it couldn't have related things so fast as soon as his mind registered the word 'sakura'. Too bad it was just a hopeless wishing.

The words of doom — for it would surely cause him untimely and only doom — from that accursed Renji's Diary returned to him in a full-fledged impact — complete with its words of evilest evil and a very vivid flash of the very picture those words described.

Kuchiki-taichou. Naked.

_His skin seemed too perfect beyond imagination I just wanted to touch and marred it with my love marks. _

Goddamned sexy Kuchiki-taichou with skin so white and flawless. And very naked.

_He was pretty, oh-so-pretty. My delicious Byakuya might not know what others were talking behind his back — and hell, I'm grateful he never gets to know it — but a lot of people speculated his ass to be as tight as how Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni let no money 'unnecessarily' slip. Heh…I now know it's really tight but it's not too damn tight I can't even put my—_

"Renji…"

He heard the familiar voice that belonged to no one else but Kuchiki-taichou call his name. And the words the diary spoke — poisoning his sanity with low, husky whisper — rang clearer and clearer in his head until he could see certain imaginative images in his mind.

Images of Kuchiki Byakuya being stripped of his clothes and then his pride as he was pinned helplessly — if that would ever be possible — on the futon. Renji could see his hands working on that smooth, flawless flesh, doing things so impeccably perverted his taichou couldn't help but writhed beneath him and called out his name in that dulcet voice.

"Renji…"

Oh gods, no no no! He was NOT going to get off on his taichou because of that evil diary! And it HAD to be that fucking diary's influence that he was now feeling the beginning of his MANLY problem. For it had to be a manly problem since he had been so long past his puberty days. Just to make the matter worse, why did that voice had to be so real and so close as if Kuchiki-taichou was sitting in this room with hi—

"Abarai-fukitaichou."

Renji almost screamed in horror when, as soon as he opened his eyes, the sight that greeted him was no other but the emotionless face of the very real Kuchiki Byakuya looking down at him.

_Holy shit!_

"T-t-t-tai-taichou!" Renji exclaimed, stuttering. In his mind, little Renji was screaming so loud Zabimaru decided to give him a silence punch.

"If you are awake, I demand your reason as to why you happened to trespass into my room without my permission or notice."

_Shit, shit, shit, holy fucking shit! _

"I-I'm sorry, taichou. I didn't mean to— I mean I thought the room was Rukia's."

Oh yes, Renji knew he was in deep shit but he knew this shit wouldn't leave him in a worse consequence than having Byakuya beat him to a bloody pulp like when he had tried fighting him to save Rukia. The only thing he was currently concerned more was how to leave this place without his taichou noticing the manly problem between his legs. He squirmed when Byakuya's steely gaze studied him, hoping his taichou wouldn't notice that problem down there.

"Even though you two are close, it is not appropriate a situation, for a man to impose himself on a woman by intruding first into her room without any permission."

"But Taichou, you are not a woman." The redhead wanted to slap his mouth for being too quick of retaliation. He blamed Yumichika for instilling in him that kind of gender reminding come back. Now his Taichou might consider at least maiming him.

Surprisingly, he didn't.

"I am not." The corner of his lips tugged up slightly, as if amused. "You should know, Renji. You have seen it." The Kuchiki shifted slightly before pulling something out of his kimono's sleeve. As if the comment wasn't enough, Renji immediately jumped into a sitting position; the sheet sliding down his torso, almost revealing his oh-so-manly problem.

"I believe this is yours."

"…"

Renji was too lost for word as he stared at the accursed diary in Byakuya's hand. He was too dumbstruck to even move a single muscle despite sustaining that throbbing problem.

"Renji…" Byakuya's voice was strangely soft as he leaned closer and the redhead couldn't help notice how he looked slimmer and more fragile than how he usually saw him during the day in his taichou uniform, being now in pale greenish kimono. With the kenseikan gone, his hair fell freely casting shadow on his face that somehow made it softer looking. Then he noticed how the other's eyelashes were longer than some women's and how his lips could part so seductively as he uttered his name.

_Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I am not thinking Taichou is giving me seductive look! Gah! I'm loosing my mind! _

Renji wanted to bang his head and be out cold again but to no avail, Byakuya moved closer —

Renji's heart was beating so fast. His problem was close to exploding.

— before the older man put the diary back into his subordinate's hand.

"You dropped this when you tried to impose yourself upon me. I have to say it's unfortunate for you that I am not easy to be imposed. If you want to be above me, you will have to try harder." Byakuya's voice was smooth and plain as he gazed into his Fukutaichou's eyes. "Even if it's already hard."

At those words, Renji's mind stopped working. He howled pitifully as his mind screamed.

_Noooooooooooo! Please don't tell me he has read it! _

The little Renji in his mind was throwing a tantrum so heavily Zabimaru decided to beat the crap out of him.

The poor redhead was too busy screaming he missed to notice a sadistic smirk on his taichou's lips.

**To be continued…**

Poor Renji was going to lose his mind. But this isn't the end. It's just the beginning!

Next chapter: Renji finally calms down after some clarifications but the evil diary still continues to haunt him!

Don't forget to R&R! :D


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